I think I've killed the Chinese population!

Well life has gone from great to slightly crap, to more crap, to absolute SHIT for me this year. One hell of a toller coaster emotionally & my weight has certainly sky rocketed to compensate. No point beating around the bush. I have been eating absolute shit at times, just to stop myself from smoking which, by the way, I gave up 6 years ago.
To paint the picture I will be totally honest with you all & start from the beginning (well, almost).
Almost 10 years ago I left my violent partner (and father of my 3 girls) for the LAST time. We left with my crappy Gemini sedan & the clothes on our backs. To this day I am still living in fear of this horrible, psychotic being.
Fast forward 15months & I go on a date with someone I met through a mutual friend. Lovely, hard working honest man. No strings (other than the ex neurotic/psychotic wif stalking me for some time after she realised I was with him). Two years later I find myself pregnant again (to him) & he proposes very romantically. A couple of months later we get married. Wedded bliss or so it seems! Our son is born. I weigh 122kgs. BIG MAMA!
I decided to join WW in October/November of 2003 when after our first family holiday to the Gold Coast I realise that fitting into certain rides was somewhat difficult. But, he loves me anyway. Such a wonderful man! He works 2 jobs so that I can be a full time man & I go to night school. Pass with disctinctions. Get a job a few months later in my ideal role. ex enters the scene again, wanting custody &/or access to our girls. OVER MY DEAD BODY!
On & off WW all this time, up & down with weightloss, but more down than up thankfully. November 2005. Husband's best friend's baby son is diagnosed with a brain tumour. Lots of time spent at RCH for them. Hubby offers to take mate on a trip to Melbourne in the truck to show him the route as hubby helping him to get some extra work to pay the mounting bills. Drving home from Melbourne to country VIC, husband has accident in the truck with best mate on board. Motorcyclist killed. Life turns upside down. Fast forward 12months. Out shopping with kids & hubby & he gets a phone call. Told he is being charged with culpable driving & dangerous driving causing death. Next couple of weeks, little boy with cancer passes away the day after the aniversary of the accident. Shit hits the fan. My wonderful darling husband is shell shocked AGAIN! Fast forward through the next couple of years & several trips to Melbourne for court hearings. Hubby pisses off to WA August 2007 to try & make some good money in case shit hits the fan & he goes to prison. After getting down to 83kgs my weight yo -yo's between 86kgs & 92kgs. Didn't turn out quite how we anticipated. Second eldest daughter starts to display major behavioural issues (was diagnosed with Oppositional Defiance Disorder). After much pleading with Child & Adolescent Health Services, DHS & Berry Street for help & her finally trying to kill me with an iron bar, she was admitted to Foster Care. 6 weeks later hubby & I both lost our jobs on the same day, 3 weeks before Christmas. Poor, poor Christmas both financially & emotionally. Last 6 months have devoted lots of time to family in case of the inevitable - prison.
3 days before the trial is to commence I have to sit my final tertiary exams - can't concentrate but have not as yet heard that I have failed so hopefully that is a good sign! Husband found guilty of Dangerous Driving causing Death. All he did wrong - could not stop the truck in time (at 58kmh in an 80kmh zone) from crashing into a motorcyclist. Human error you may call it. Could have easily happened to me or to anyone. Unfortunately it happened to my beautiful husband. He was taken into custody & didn't even get to say goodbye to the kids. Never done a thing wrong in his life. In the last 2 months I gained 12kgs from pure emotional eating, after having risen to 90kgs. Needless to say when I hopped on the scales last week I was not surprised to see I had gained a lot of weight but was surprised I was over 100kgs again. I have struggled this week with emotions again. Just tonight my daughter in Foster Care rings me & states that she has been moved from her Foster Family's home & is living with abother carer as she was struggling with a male foster child. This being the same foster child that pushed her through a glass window a few months ago. Now I am worried about her again, more than ever. And I forgot to add that my mother & father in law, whom I PAY to pick my son up from school, decide that I will be able to manage fine on my own and piss off to visit my sister in law & her new husband (which none of us have ever met by the way) in WA 4 days before my husband goes to prison! Gee, thanks for the support guys!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So, now that I have had my whinge I'll get off my soap box & although it IS difficult to cope day to day, the house is relatively clean, I manage to get to work & get the kids organised at 6am in the morning so that I can start work at 7 & we are all alive! We visit my husband once every weekend in prison. I miss him so much, & so do the kids.
So now that I have killed off the Chinese population with giving me my 10 years of bad luck, I think I will take one day at a time & try to take control of my life again, & my weight. Cos right now, it has control of me.
So if you think your life is SHIT it probably is, But you know what, even though I left out much more of my so-called bad luck, I can bet you that someone out there has had far worse luck than I ever will & are still managing to get on with their life. So, living by that motto of not letting life get the better of you, I will take a stranglelhold on my weight & by hell I will give it a great go to get to goal. And you know what, I don't care HOW long it takes me to get there (well, as long as I am at goal in the next 3 years so that I can be 40 & FAB!)
People go for goal! YOU CAN DO IT! BELIEVE IN YOURSELF!

Reactive Hypoglycaemia

I have recently been diagnosed with Reactive Hypoglycaemia (Hyperinsulinism) which basically means I now have a reason as to why I am soooooo hungry all the time & so, so tired. Hence the massive weight gain of now 97.5kgs. I am dismal to say the least, but now I have a reason for my binge eating. My blood sugar levels have been dropping down to as low as 2.8mmol/L, which for a diabetic is life threatening. However, we would give them something sweet to raise their blood sugar. Not in my case. Carbohydrates & sugar actually lower mine more - it has the reverse effect. This in turn makes me even more hungry. So, currently I am writing down absolutely everything I eat & drink, limiting caffeine, watching carb & sugar intake, testing my blood glucose randomly & hoping for the best. If this doesn't work, then when I see the Specialist at the end of next month, I may need further tests to see if my endocrine system is functioning correctly & to make sure there are no tumours present particularly around the pancreas. So, life has just got that little but more difficult, but I am soldiering on. I am most disappointed about my weight gain than anything else. But, I am trying oh so hard to stick to WW again. At least these is routine & healthy food, and hopefully I can manage to drop even 2-3 kgs by month's end. I cannot fit into my clothes in my wardrobe, which is devastating me as I threw out ALL my fat clothes. Now I had to go & buy more fat clothes. I don't want to go out in public as I feel humiliated by my size, & my husband, God bless him, is so very supportive, he has been walking with me to take my son to school (which is 1km each way) on the mornings I am not working so that he in turn gets some exercise & I don't feel so embarassed. Well, I could mumble on forever, but I won't. I need to put this plan of the moment into action so that I can achieve some stability with my blood sugars & keep them up where they should be. If anyone else reading this has a similar condition, I would love to hear from you.
Have a great day all!
Kel xx

EMOTIONAL EATING!!!!!! A REALISATION...........

Yes! I AM an emotional eater. I am also, through my own understanding, a food addict. These past few weeks, after going so well and getting down to 86kgs, has seen me gain a massive pile of kgs that, although I saw coming whilst gorging on copious amounts of food, the emotional attachment to food itself got the better of me. Personal traumas have infiltrated my weightloss efforts. I am pursuing seeking some counselling with a psychologist so that I can face some of my demons, and then face my food demons valiantly. I need to get myself together, mentally, so that I can continue with my journey. I am NOT doing this for vanity, this journey is purely for health reasons & longevity.
Firstly, I must do this for ME. Secondly, for my family. My biological father passed away at the age of 48yrs, after fighting his personal demons for the most of his life. I don't want to carry on the family tradition of addiction winning the war. My battle is with food, his was with alcohol. Both of these "drugs" have caused us to have diabetic complications, which unfortunately assisted in killing my father at an early age. I am coming up to 40yrs of age, and do not want to have a heart attack or stroke because of self abuse with food. I am not far away from his age of death, and need to value my mortality.
If any of you reading this, are fighting food demons or believe you are a food addict, please leave a comment and together we will support one another to fight this battle with food, and thus win the war.
Kel xxxx

HARD WORK PAYS OFF!!!!!!

Well I am pleased to announce that I had a 400gm loss this week, which is a great improvement on the last couple of weeks. After last week's blowout, I thought I may have even had a gain show up this week, but NOOOOOOOOO. I took control, counted my Points, stepped up the exercise to walking nearly EVERY day, even if it was for just 20 mins or 45 mins. Last night I was so deternined to see a loss today, that I even JOGGED on and off during my walk. i have not been game to do this on a hard surface since I tore the ligaments in my left ankle just over 12 months ago. YAY ME! I also had my WW board buddy Timsgirl (aka Mel) in my head with her little saying "run, run as fast as you can!". After her blistering pave of an almost 2kg loss this week (we have similar stats) she has now gone down to the almost under 86kgs bracket! I was always that little bit ahead, now she is kicking my arse!

Well thankyou Mel for the little saying, coz if the weather holds out this weekend, I am going to enter in mu first ever Fun Run in Tocumwal NSW (about an hour's drive from me) which is a 5km or 10km walk/run course. I'm coming to get ya mate! LOL

Oh, and here is a picture of me and my hubby last week after we came back from the 21st (where I ate WAY TOO MUCH...........).

The teeny weeny loss........

Hello everyone!
Pleased to announce that after bbq & cakes laid on at my son's school last Thursday night, and a 21st on the Saturday night (pizza and deep fried laid on there!), I buckled down and lost 100grams. Sunday morning I checked my weight and OMG it said 91kgs again. Aaaaaagh. So. come Monday morning, I buckled down and decided that this was not good enough and that the scales had to show not too much of that gain! This morning I weighed in at 87.1kgs, only a little loss, but I bloody worked hard for it though! Well now I am under 88kgs, I am happy with my effort! We certainly live and learn from our mistakes, and I don;t want to have to be this ridiculously strict that I have been for the last 2 days, trying to get my weightloss back on track after bingeing.
Happy weightloss all!
Kel

Another small step to freedom!

Well TTOTM is arriving any moment now, so I didn't expect a loss at all. BUT, 400gms this week for this little black duck! Woohoo! Check out my weightloss ticker!
Timsgirl form the WW board and U are planning to catch up next January (we haven't actually ever met) un Sydney. That should be fun. She's expecting to reach goal in June this year, and I am hoping to get there end of November this year. That will be our little celebration for reaching goal.
Hope everyone who reads this, that their weight loss is onwards and downwards!
Have a great week!
Kel xx

GOAL 4 GOAL!!!!

After a "flash of brilliance" if you like, and liasing with my WW online buddy Timsgirl, we are discussing the fact that we should meet up when we reach goal, as a goal to strive for, other than purely weightloss. Timsgirl hails from the Blue Mountains NSW, myself from the Goulburn Valley, VIC. We are discussing exactly where we should meet. Sydney sounds great, perhaps even Canberra. Who knows. As we get closer to goal, we'll sort that out!

Current photos......

Now that I have posted THOSE FAT PHOTOS, it's time I posted some current ones! These were taken during September thru December 2007. I'm around 86kgs in most of these. I can DEFINITELY see the difference now! The one above is my oldest daughter at her Grade 6 graduation in December. I've still got 23kgs to go as of today to reach goal, but this year I will get to goal. THIS YEAR IS MY YEAR!!!!!!!!

The FAT photo

Here are some photos of me hovering around the 120kg mark YUK! BUT the camera never lies does it! The one on the far left was taken in March 2003, at my niece's christening. The one on the right was taken late 2002. The bottom one was taken on my wedding day (I don't KNOW what I was thinking!) I looked bloody terrible. 122kgs and 4 1/2 months pregnant with my son.

Back at WWers

Well I commenced back at meetings on my sister's birthday (also my other sister's wedding anniversary). I weighed in at the meeting 91.6kgs. I was rapt to see a change in my favour this week with a loss of 1.8kgs - I am now down to under the 90's ago. 89.8kgs to be exact.
I am focused, focused, focused.
Onwards and downwards now.
Exactly 33.8kgs to goal. next mini goal 85kgs.
Kel

The moment of truth.........

I knew I had become "larger" than I would have liked. However, it wasn't until we had a family portrait taken in August 2003, that I realised how "large" I had become. Sure, I was sporting a size 26 top and bottom (merging on a 28 top), but was still in denial.
Whilst pregnant with my son during 2002, I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes. Four times a day I had to inject myself with insulin, and complications arose throughout the pregnancy for both myself and my unborn child.
I figured I had the odds stacked against me - 122kgs, pregnant and in my early 30's. It wasn't until a couple of years later after tracing my paternal family history that I discovered my biologocal father had suffered from Type II diabetes. He was NOT overweight. He died at age 48 from this and other health complications.
In August 2003, my husband and I decided to have a family portrait taken. We were all set to go to the Gold Coast for our first real family holiday. Whilst attending the Theme Parks, I discovered I was having great difficulty fitting into many of the rides. A photo was taken of myself and my oldest child on the Scooby Doo Coaster - I almost died of embarassment when I saw that photo! I looked massive. However, I used the excuse that I was wearing a light coloured top and that had I been wearing my faithful black, it would not have looked so bad.
When we arrived home, we went and chose the final photos we wanted for our family portrait. Again I was dismayed, and could not believe how "big" I looked. This time I WAS wearing all black and there was NO hiding it!
In November of 2003 I joined Weight Watchers (WW) I weighed in @ 119.2kgs. I lost 14kgs before deciding I could no longer afford to attend meetings. I tried to go it alone, with little success, and was back up to 110kgs again before I knew it.
I was fortunate enough to find my half sisters I never knew existed in September/October 2004. When we met we were surprised to see how much alike we where, not just physically but emotionally as well. They were both dedicated WWers and had lost over 20kgs on the program.
After viewing the video of our meeting, I realised how large I was becoming again and decided, eventually, to rejoin WWers in the April of 2005. I continued on VERY slowly attending weekly meetings, slowly losing the weight but I don't think my head was in the right place at the time. In June 2007, I quit going to my meeting as WWers had decided to shut it down for 12 weeks, and no other meetings suited my lifestyle. This is when I joined online.
I managed to stay around the 85kgs I had dropped to (I even got down to 82.9kgs at one stage), but due to major stresses and any excuses I might use (and I use the word excuses lightly), I slowly crept back up to 94kgs over Christmas 7 New Year 2007/8.
The unlimited offer for WWers came about and here I am, back at meetings, and if I use excuses now I am only defeating myself, noone else.
I still have over 33kgs to go to get to goal, but this time I KNOW I will achieve this. My head is in the right space, I can recognise my triggers, and with all the wonderful support of my Leader, members both at my meeting and on the WWers forums, there IS no excuse for me to fail.
THIS TIME IS MINE!!!!!
I do hope that my story will encourage those considering taking this journey with me, an easier decision to make.
Kel

When THAT moment occurred!

This is my "autobiography" if you like about my battle with the bulge.

After leaving a 6yr violent relationship in September 1998, I had little self esteem left. Basically, I "survived" for my children, and even now, there's little I can recollect about that time as I was now a sole parent with 3 children under 3, and homeless.

Turn back time even further......... I had seriously begun battling weight issues since I was first in High School, 1984. This was when I realised that I was larger than most girls in my Year level. I was wearing a size 16 school dress whilst the others were lucky to be wearing a size 10.

The only boys that took interest in me whilst at high school were those that took advantage of my kind nature and hurt me later, or boys that were a little large themselves. I was never one of the "in" crowd.